But he also really wanted to be loved and somehow – because he was so generous to those he loved – he never really believed he was. Reverse psychology at work is a powerful thing. All that time of him questioning my love? Of him subtly implying that “everyone” used him and how was he to know I was any different. Honestly, I told my best friend I’d have to marry him to prove it and then divorce him to be happy. I had to prove I loved him before I could escape, I thought. Even when he was mean, sarcastic, angry and difficult. Proving it wasn’t about any of the things he could do for me, it was just him. There was a huge degree of proving I really loved him in this for me. And then for a year or more when we weren’t even together we were still in a relationship. And still it continued on for several years. I knew he was bad for me, I was in pain much of the time and it wasn’t turning out, so I built in obstacles – hoping. I moved 50 miles away from my last boyfriend, knowing it would add a huge level of difficulty and contribute to a break up. We fall in love with the man’s potential, he’s the best lover, the most exciting guy…the “most interesting man in the world!”Īnd even if we somehow make the cut we can’t make the mental disconnection. Somehow we become conditioned to love the pain. But, in reality, I fear more women simply won’t walk away. There’s a Rori Raye quote I love about how women will do the one final thing – the final humiliation – before they’ll walk away from a man who is bad for them.
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